I know, I know! What a great picture this is! Walking up to Guero’s Taco Bar, you get the sensation that the atmosphere is totally kickin, the food smells delicious, and the music (can’t go anywhere in this town without music) sounds like home! My bf and I had his mom and his sister in town a couple of weeks ago from Ohio. They had never been to Texas before so we decided that we would give them a little taste of Austin immediately upon their arrival. We decided that we would take them to Guero’s. The atmosphere is usually killer…it’s so Austin. We both agreed that the food lacked any sort of “umph”, but we were in favor of showing off our city. NEVER AGAIN WILL I SACRIFICE GOOD FOOD FOR ATMOSPHERE…which sucked that night anyways.

To begin with, the waiter was some fucking washed up hipster who stayed up too late the night before pretending like his band was good. He was a fucking dick, plain and simple. We ordered some margaritas and they showed up in a glass not much bigger than a thimble. For $8 bux a pop, I was certain they were gonna rock my world…”maybe you only need one”…not so much. They were weak and had absolutely nothing special to them. Granted, I did not get the chocolate latte, top shelp, white tequila, with a cherry on top margarita…I am a Texas girl. I just like to have a sippy sip and get a buzz…that is what Tex-Mex means to me!

For starters we got the queso flameado. A white cheese combination with an added treat of chorizo thrown in. There was so much oil in the flameado that you could have drank it with a straw. It was disgusting.

My bf wanted some crispy tacos and when he ordered them (they don’t have them) the dick waiter copped a major attitude with him. Only a real Tex Mex place can provide one with sufficient cripsy tacos. And trust me, that is his thing…he knows where to find the best in town…(we’ll get into later…for him I will dedicate a post to crispy tacos)…

Anyways, I cannot remember what anyone else had, or what I had for that matter, all I know is that after I got the $80 bill for four simple meals and a couple of drinks, I was about to throw up all over the place. It was the worst meal of their stay, and unfortunately, it was their first food experience in Austin!

Some amazing places that we did visit was Mi Madres for breakfast…delicious and fresh and inexpensive with a great atmosphere…it is on the east side. Gentrified w/ pride. (I am actually for co-habitation, but this is the real world people, wake up)

We had some amazing brisket and all around real Texas BBQ at Ruby’s BBQ! We chose to load up on meat and then share an array of tasty sides including mac-n-cheese, cole slaw (one cream based and one vinegar based – both delicious), fresh bread, pickles, onions, and a slice of sweet potato pie for dessert. They said it was yum…I did not go there! I saved my calories for a delicious cold Lone Star and I suggest you do the same…

Our next BBQ experience was at The County Line on the lake. While it is definitely one of the pricier smoked meat joints, it is well worth it…Here we decided to go all out family style w/ ribs, brisket, sausage, and sides of beans, potato salad, and cole slaw…ALL YOU CAN EAT! Don’t forget to order a loaf of their fresh bread with honey butter…you will thank me after you wake up from your meat induced coma!

Also, be sure to visit the huge catfish and turtles in the water with your leftover bread!

Unfortunately, after they left, we treated ourselves to dinner at The Rio Grande, the former Real World Austin house…it was amazing. Anyone who puts on limit on their margaritas is alright by me. We started with a plain queso. It was creamy and perfect and served with thin warm tortilla chips and homemade corn and flour tortillas. I am not saying that they make them in house, but I am saying that they did not come from the grocery store. I am part latina, tortillas hold a special place in my heart. We split a divine salad with a balsamic vinagrette dressing, everything was fresh and delicious. For dinner we share the filet mignon fajitas! Oh.My.God – go there…got it?

There are so many delicious places to eat in this town, and while I am simply disgusted that I had to be the one to experience Guero’s – yet again – I decided to let you guys know how my experience went!

Bon Apetite, Bitches…

GBJ

Ok kids. I was talking w/ bf the other day and he suggested that I recap the restaurant reviews that I have posted so far. While I love to give props to those institutions that I love, I like to keep the devil close when I revisit the establishments that pissed me off…so here goes…

I will start with the BAD list…

Primizie Osteria, Austin, Texas…the atmosphere blew, the food sucked, and the service was as cold as my grammy six feet under. Wait she was cremated, anyways, you catch my drift…

Ave. B Grocery Store and Sandwich Shop…the guys that owns this is a fucking cock face. Unfortunately, his food is the shit, but I will never return. EVER!

Bossa Nova - UGH! I don’t even know where to begin. However, I saw the asshole that I refer to in this entry at the local corner store…it was night and that douche bag still had on his sunglasses…and he informed us that he now works at the coffee shop right next to my house (Quack’s, which BF and I refer to as Wack’s, cuz it sucks dick as well). So, in the defense of the very sweet owner of Bossa Nova, I will go back and give it a shot knowing that the fucker that makes me want to hurl with every breath he takes is gone! One step forward for Bossa Nova.

The GOOD list!

Lambert’s Fancy Downtown BBQ - There is not enough positive things I can say about this place. Beyond the amazing music that plays, the historic building, and the calm of being off 6th Street, the food is to die for. On a recent trip in, I had the skirt steak served with a hot Cholula butter…hold on kids, that one will blow you right over!

I also suggest that you try The Little Deli on Woodrow, possibly the best sandwich in town! Another one of my faves is The Blue Dahlia for a bistro style setting…amazing, organic, and local!

Bon Apetite, fuckers!

Oh shit, you guys know that I hate doing this kind of stuff, but I did email the owner to try and kiss and make up, and I have received no response, which leads me to believe that he could give a fuck about making his customers happy. Join the club, buddy. The feeling is mutual, I could give a fuck about your shit food!

So, the place is Bossa*Nova in Austin, Texas…Here is the address. You can even download a copy of their painfully disgusting menu…Please, take a look at what you are not missing!

First of all, there is this big giant douche bag that works the counter. He wears sunglasses inside and a fucking tire chain around his neck. Catch my drift? I think he is a little pissed that he has to be there when he could be rocking out somewhere instead, but that ain’t my problem, yo…

So, I called once to get a takeout order. Easy, two drinks and two sandwiches w/ soup. Shit hit the fan as soon as he answered the phone. He apparently was asking me for my name, but I had preceeded to order. This was totally NOT OK w/ him. He just kept yelling “NO” at me when I would start to order. I am sorry that I did not follow your rules, dude, but it has been a long time since I have worked in the food industry, and besides, it would not have been that big of a damn deal had I given you my name at the end of the conversation. I get it, I would not want to work a sandwich shop either…

So, one of my sammies were to be sans mayo, not mine cuz I love the shit, and so on. Anyways, I get there to pick up the order and he argued with me that I only told him I wanted one drink. Right, no big deal. Charge me for another fucking bottled drink and let me get the fuck out of here. So…I paid, and while my card was running I was looking in the dessert case and saw a yummy cupcake that I needed to have. When I asked if I could add that on to my order, he says “NO”. AGAIN…I could have paid cash or whatever, but he actually told me that I could not have it. (note: I ended up getting the cupcake b/c as it turns out he had to re-run my card to charge me for the drink that I ordered that he FORGOT about)…So, it all worked out in the end…Until I get home and there is only one mother fucking sandwich in the bag and it has mayo oozing out the sides all over the place. Now, while I love me some mayo, I DETEST IT WHEN IT’S HOT and oily and spilling out every inch of the creation. It was so gross that I don’t even remember what the sandwich was supposed to be…not good. I ordered the corn chowder which I would normally love more than life itself, but this shit is like skim milk topped off w/ a shot of canola oil. It’s fucking gross.

So, at this point, I am so aggro that I don’t even bother to eat that mother fucker’s precious cupcake…

To the defense of the owners, the douche bag counter guy is not the owner, they are very friendly and helpful, however, that does not hold a candle when your food taste like semen and the guy serving it to me is a big fucking pussy.

Instead of ever going here, I suggest trying Hot Mama’s (and yes, there are some major hot mama’s working here) for your coffee and Baby Greens for your healthy food!

ps, for all of you true Austin-ites, Hot Mama’s food is prepared in coordination w/ the Ararat staff. That’s right, THE ararat, circa 2006. yummers!

Bon Apetite, bitches!