Thanks to a very genuine Dave…I will keep up my writing. I was never under the impression that anyone ever read or gave a shit about the jargon swirling around in my noggy-noggin…xo Dave and Monica (hope i can measure up)

Alrightie kids!  Happy 2010…I am going to go ahead and let you all in on my faves of 2009.  Following is a list of all things that kept me from doing any actual work this past year.  (What makes it even better, is I work for the public sector…hee hee) 

Best Blogs of 2009…

SoLikeYeah - These ladies have it goin on!  I am not only saying that because I know them and like them, but because they absolutely deserve it.  One of the best entries ever is their Fun Fun Fun fest antics.  Go read it now!

POST SECRET -   This gem is basically the car accident that you must stare at as you pass.  I really want to send something in, but I can’t think of anything nice to say, and my secrets really aren’t all that great. 

Texts From Last Night -  I know, old news.  I have actually already written about it myself.  It’s just a no-brainer.

Shit My Dad Says - You can also follow via Twitter…if you really do that.

Austin Surreal - One awesome son of a bitch reppin his town!

The CDs that I could not take off “repeat”…and no, they are not all new, but rather re-introduced.  Good music can do that. 

The Kingsbury Manx - Ascenseur Ouvert

The Gary - CHUB

The Great Nostalgic - self titled

Brother JT - Jelly Roll Gospel

The Clean - Mister POP

Baby Robots - Probably Portions and Fortunes

Start with these beauties, children…tomorrow will be a list of 2009 dislikes, and I will try to keep it positive.  TRY.

GBJ

sometimes all it takes is a little prodding.

let’s talk about new year’s resolutions for a second. i think that my boss has come up with an idea that i simply may be able to stick to. rather than proclaiming, “i will work out 5x/week this year”, she suggests that it’s best not to quantify, rather explain that you will simply work out “more”. i am a fan of working out, it’s just getting started that hurts the most. instead of getting off the couch last night, i was snug as bug watching iron chef and reading cooking lite. (obviously i am in love with food). dont take that wrong, i am by no means a lard-ass, i just enjoy delicious food.

anyways, it normally takes something of material value to get me into the gym after the holidays. That being a new pair of shoes, new workout clothes, a new music device (i already have an ipod with which i am very pleased), or perhaps something as simple as having amigo put new music on the ipod for me. although, he gets so into it, i am afraid that i may not actually get it back until NEXT year.

So, this year, i am coveting the new reebok genius shoes…anyone have them? it’s either that or rollerblades.

AND one more thing…can someone please put the bean burritos with sour cream (jamie london, wherever you are i blame you for this addiction) and mexi-melts with no meat on the taco bell drive through diet menu?  is that really too much to ask?

hope you all have a wonderful year, i promise to write “more”. 

GBJ

 

That’s right, I said. The national Amber Alert System should simply disappear or at least be revised. It’s a drain of public money, the giant billboards are distracting and ineffective, and they are a total eyesore.

To begin this conversation let me state that I do not have any children of my own. However, I firmly believe that if two adults cannot be responsible enough to raise a child without “stealing” it from one another, then chances are they have no business procreating in the first place. I actually think we all need to step back and consider this act, anyways. America’s children are fucked up and there is no denying it. The situation seems to be getting worse as the world becomes a more harsh place to survive. That’s another conversation.  I bring up responsible parenting with this issue because this system is largely used and abused by familial abductions conducted via irresponsible parenting and arguments/threats from one parent to the other.  Disgusting.

The Amber Alert system is categorized as follows; FA = familial abduction, NFA = non-familial abduction, LIM = Lost, Injured, or Missing, and ERU = Endangered Runaway. The National Budget for this system in 2008 was 15 million dollars and increases yearly as people “use” the system. In the 2008 reports, 100 Amber Alert (AA) cases were FA (meaning stolen by a family member), 70 were NFA (not family, but still known by the parent(s)), 21 were LIM, and 3 were ERU. It was later discovered that 11 of these cases were fraud and 14 were unfounded. Of these 194 cases, 40 children were successfully recovered as a direct result of the Amber Alert system…although I am not sure how they are proving this statistic. So basically, this means that the AA system sucesfully recovers less than 25% of its reported cases. If Obama successfully performed his job at a rate of less than 25%, he would get even less approval from the right than he already does. What I am saying is that a 25% success rate is a waste of time, money and support.

I arrived at this topic today because on my way into the office I was driving down the highway and realized that no billboard, especially an electric flashing one attempting to alert drivers, is a good idea. I would like to see the statistic on how many drivers nation-wide have been in accidents as a direct result of the AA billboards. I doubt that number exists anywhere.

I dont know about most drivers, but I know that I dont ever pay enough attention to those signs to make a difference. And if I did happen to see that trailer park Terry stole his little precious Ginger Mae from her mother Betty Sue, I am certainly not going to search for his beat up jallopy along my route. Please people…like I said, if you are not responsible enough to raise a child, don’t procreate. Perhaps I would not be so hard on this system if the only cases that were reported were legit and of actual kidnappings where the child is endangered. This is, afterall, how the Amber Alert was born.

Lastly, these signs are eyesores. Giant ones. Why cant the “concern” simply be braodcast over the radio? Seems a lot less expensive, far less distracting, potentially more effective because more people are forced to listen, and it certainly solves the eyesore problem.

I hate to offend, wait a second, no I dont.

Have a good day and enjoy that turkey!

GBJ

further your knowledge of this topic here and here.

i am aware that it has been a while since i have posted anything, and to be perfectly honest, i am not going to making any excuses. fuck you.

healthcare reform for the goddamn idiots out there…(and there are a lot of you)

first of all, what the hell is going on with the healthcare reform? why are the majority of the conservatives so against 96% of americans being covered? more so, why are they such giant idiots going on and on about how they dont want to pay for the poor’s healthcare and education?  why dont they see that they aleady pay for the rammifications of ill healthcare and a lack of education? it’s called wellfare, food stamps, and medicaid. i dont know, but it seems to me like if we just went ahead and got the naition healthy and educated, ‘merica just may be worth sticking around for. for real…GREEDY!

the legalization of marijuana!

this month’s texas monthly magazine has a wonderful article about marijuana. both its history and its future are touched upon, and there are some alarming statistics as well. i cannot say an exact number bc i dont have the magazine here with me, but i have been thinking about something that i read. ~ since the beginning of the war on drugs, there have been {approximately} 900,000 alcohol related deaths in the US. Not a single death has been reported by marijuana usage in all of its history on the planet. A human being would have to smoke {approximately} 200,000 joints in one sitting to die from toxic effects from weed. ummm, not gonna happen. what is the problem, america? the people that outlawed it in the first place were definitely not as educated as we are today. get with the times. legalize it, control it, and tax the shit out of it. watch our drinking and driving accidents and fatalities plummet and our national deficit decrease at an alarming speed. think about it, folks. the main reason it is not legal now is bc of all you misinformed conservative fucks and the pharaceutical companies! of course they dont want weed to be legal…it’s been used as medicine since the beginning of time. they are scared.

how white trash am i?  (i am not interested in your response)

i am hungry and lazy and dont want to go get anything for lunch so i just ate ruffles dipped in chick-fil-a buttermilk ranch sauce. the first bite was amazing, but now i just want to puke!

my crazy boyfriend came up with this new TLC program…

my folks think that their “emotional support” is enough to see me through life. come again, where the fuck did they get that bullshit from? i asked them to co-sign on a grad school loan for me, and they said they dont know any (in that loud and high-pitched judgemental voice she uses) parents who pay for their kids grad school. um, its obvious they dont understand what a loan is. i should have reminded them that they actually failed to pay for my undergraduate degree as well. its true. i am normally a very sweet daughter and i let them get away with far more than they should, but i had had enough of their shit yesterday and told em to go to hell and to find alternate plans for thanksgiving bc i dont want them at my house. my mom blamed me for “holding their denial to sign over their heads”…not true…i’m fucking pissed off and dont want to play the nicey nice game.

what happened to el nino

the weekend is here, when is it ever going to cool down for heavens sake? 80 degrees????? in november????? enough already!

The Pour House - in Austin. Formerly called The Brentwood Tavern (which was horrible and filled with shitty little kids). The new owners are the brain children that also own Mugshots, Barfly’s and The Hideout (north). The bartenders are great (thank you, Garth) and the patio is fabulous! There are Mel’s Fun Bags as well…(shut your mouth…it’s really called that) bean bags that you throw (like horseshoes) onto a wooden board. FUN FUN! Amigo and I went last night. 2 beers and 2 shots of Jameson for $12 smackers! What a steal! Needless to say, I was an hour late to work today, AND I will definitely be returning! Bye Bye Lala’s…I am breaking up with you. There is a new neighborhood bar in town.

Don’t get me wrong, but come on, sistah!

Please tell me you see the problems here!

First of all, let me tell you this once again, I know that I have bragged about it before, and…rightfully so. One of my friends is the executive producer of this little show that is historical in Austin, Austin City Limits. And no, I am not speaking of the idiot festival that comes through every year (and keeps getting worse). Anywhoo, I pretty much have free and open access to all the tickets that I care to have. (they are not for sale, you have know someone to get in). So, bf and I had tickets reserved to see Sonic Youth tape there 10/5. Then, old and frail Lee Renaldo had to go and break his wrist (i think he was jacking off to his new album…which totally sux, by the way). SY ends up canceling their acl tv appearance and are sadly replaced with THEM CROOKED VULTURES. Crooked pretty much breaks it down for you. If you have not seen them, don’t bother. A few months back I was lucky enough to go see My Bloody Valentine, they handed out ear-plugs and rocked so hard people were leaving and throwing up…now that is a show! So anyways, these idiots hand out ear-plugs to the crowd so we automatically assume they are going to R-O-C-K. Wrong! The little pink pussy that was singing sounded like an old southern grandma singin me a lullaby. It was a giant, awful mess. There is no way that that faggot (sorry, craig) had any right to be up on that stage where the likes of Bonnie Raitt, Willie Nelson, Neil Young, and Roky Erikson have once stood! There is simply no way.

(please note his ***styrofoam*** cup, as he claims to be so green.  Kinda think he was trying to hide his beer.  and what the fuck was he thinking when he rolled his sleeves up like that.  if i were that dumb bitch he was with i would kindly suggest he just put on a short sleeve shirt)

And, just when you think that it can’t possibly get any worse, Lance “I have cancer wah wah wah” Armstrong, local celebrity and famous Austin ass-hole and French punching bag has to stand in your line of sight. Him and all his idiot glory. So, in the beginning of the show, the producers come out and ask you to turn off your cell phones and introduce the band and blah blah blah…about one song into the show, this fuckin one-nutted loser pulls his phone out to take a picture when a staff member reaches out and taps him on the shoulder asking him to put his phone away. (he should have punched his cross-eyed face in) The rest of the show (well, we only stayed for three songs) he was texting. What the hell is wrong with this guy and why does he think he is so god damn wonderful?

Apparently, I am not the only one on this planet that thinks this guys needs to fall in a hole, bc after hearing of our experience, a friend of mine sent me this link…the top ten reasons why Lance Armstrong is a douche-bag. I must say…it made me smile.

(Sorry, daddy, for draggin you to that bullshit, and for bein a bitch. I love you.)

Someone’s gonna die,
GBJ

ps - if you read the 10 reasons list, the comment section is filled with a plethora of reasons why he is such a douche-bag!  take note of the posting that points out the fact that he uses the most water of anyone in town to water his lawn (again, not very green).  it’s the truth, it was in the paper.  he also apparently threw a fit to a friend who worked in a bakery bc they ran out of multi grain bagels.  he made a scene.  if i were her i would have rubbed a plain bagel on my twat and told him that lox was the daily special.  what a dick face.

*how the hell did i wake up in time to get here this morning, shower, get dressed (not the best outfit of the century), manage to hide my alcohol breath and not puke? looks like it’s gonna be a good day.

*i am currently eating salt out of the packet. too bad i dont have anything to put it on. im not really hungry, just bored.

*i love reading texts from last night, it’s comforting to know that many people in a productive society like to drink, fuck, and get high just as much as i do.

*speaking of fuck, i’m kind of horny right now. not ravenous, but it may get to that point by the time i get home. watch out daddy. (i am not about to search for an image here at work, that guy that previously occupied the office next to mine got fired for watching the porn while on the clock.  but, he also got is masters, so - he wins)

*i went to get a service at this local shit hole, called EMBELLISH (that’s right, if you deserve it, imma drag your fuckin name through the dirt) and they fucked up big time. the appointment was @ 5pm or something like that. first of all, the salon/spa (whatever and hardly) is in this atrocious strip mall/multi use development thing near campus called “the triangle”. if you are from boca raton, it will look familiar. second of all, it’s always packed with a bunch of fuckin snotty little asshole college bitches and it’s impossible to find a parking spot. so….i get there at like 5:03 and they call me on my cell phone while i am walking through the front door threatening to give my appt away bc the next client is there. are you fucking kidding me i am thinking to myself. you just fucked with the wrong bitch. so, i get into the aesthetician’s chair and asked what the hell was up that lady’s ass at the front desk. she says it’s been a long day and she was upset that i was late. (the aesthetician by the way was very sweet and did quality work - it’s apparent she needs to find a new location) So, a ten minute procedure turned into “I’m never going back to that joint and I am going to spend the rest of my life on this planet letting everyone know what a giant jack off it is.  so, hey Embellish…suck my dick!  (it’s the tall cunt in the brown shirt that mis-treated me so - if you see her in a dark alley, kick her fuckin ass)

*Can you believe that this person is trying to sell this god damn, countrified, old as shit bar stool on craigslist for $125? Yeah, me either. That’s why I emailed her. I suggested that she reconsider her pricing strategy. Just bein helpful, I’m good like that.

*my hangover is starting to kick in. it’s a good thing i have an appointment to see the best doctor on this planet. he believes in vicodin, and i believe in him!

incognito and jedi style,

GBJ

Come on, who’s in? I think it would be a fabulous spin-off website of GBJ. I wonder what the legal ramifications of such a site could be. I mean shit, she could sue me if she wanted. For my beloved pair of Vans slip-ons, or my beautiful kitteh Joey, but other than that, i feel like rippin this little hooker a new asshole!

Here goes:

Miley Cyrus is a whore…

Miley Cyrus is still a whore…

Yep, still…

You guessed it, still a whore…

ps, yes, that is a stripper pole, and, oh yeah…her 20 year old boyfriend is just a friend. whatever.