*how the hell did i wake up in time to get here this morning, shower, get dressed (not the best outfit of the century), manage to hide my alcohol breath and not puke? looks like it’s gonna be a good day.

*i am currently eating salt out of the packet. too bad i dont have anything to put it on. im not really hungry, just bored.

*i love reading texts from last night, it’s comforting to know that many people in a productive society like to drink, fuck, and get high just as much as i do.

*speaking of fuck, i’m kind of horny right now. not ravenous, but it may get to that point by the time i get home. watch out daddy. (i am not about to search for an image here at work, that guy that previously occupied the office next to mine got fired for watching the porn while on the clock.  but, he also got is masters, so – he wins)

*i went to get a service at this local shit hole, called EMBELLISH (that’s right, if you deserve it, imma drag your fuckin name through the dirt) and they fucked up big time. the appointment was @ 5pm or something like that. first of all, the salon/spa (whatever and hardly) is in this atrocious strip mall/multi use development thing near campus called “the triangle”. if you are from boca raton, it will look familiar. second of all, it’s always packed with a bunch of fuckin snotty little asshole college bitches and it’s impossible to find a parking spot. so….i get there at like 5:03 and they call me on my cell phone while i am walking through the front door threatening to give my appt away bc the next client is there. are you fucking kidding me i am thinking to myself. you just fucked with the wrong bitch. so, i get into the aesthetician’s chair and asked what the hell was up that lady’s ass at the front desk. she says it’s been a long day and she was upset that i was late. (the aesthetician by the way was very sweet and did quality work – it’s apparent she needs to find a new location) So, a ten minute procedure turned into “I’m never going back to that joint and I am going to spend the rest of my life on this planet letting everyone know what a giant jack off it is.  so, hey Embellish…suck my dick!  (it’s the tall cunt in the brown shirt that mis-treated me so – if you see her in a dark alley, kick her fuckin ass)

*Can you believe that this person is trying to sell this god damn, countrified, old as shit bar stool on craigslist for $125? Yeah, me either. That’s why I emailed her. I suggested that she reconsider her pricing strategy. Just bein helpful, I’m good like that.

*my hangover is starting to kick in. it’s a good thing i have an appointment to see the best doctor on this planet. he believes in vicodin, and i believe in him!

incognito and jedi style,

GBJ

Come on, who’s in? I think it would be a fabulous spin-off website of GBJ. I wonder what the legal ramifications of such a site could be. I mean shit, she could sue me if she wanted. For my beloved pair of Vans slip-ons, or my beautiful kitteh Joey, but other than that, i feel like rippin this little hooker a new asshole!

Here goes:

Miley Cyrus is a whore…

Miley Cyrus is still a whore…

Yep, still…

You guessed it, still a whore…

ps, yes, that is a stripper pole, and, oh yeah…her 20 year old boyfriend is just a friend. whatever.

I have been seeing these kinds of ads around lately, especially since school just resumed and what not.

There are ads out there from parents and institutions alike advertising easy money as a tutor for elementary to college and post college students…some paying up to $100/hr.

Now people, my mom is a teacher. She has her masters degree (which lends $1000 extra dollars a year on top of the general teacher salary…meaning it would take an additional 40+ years of working as a teacher to recoup the cost of grad school) and has been teaching for 15 years, and as sad as it is to say it – I make more money than she does. I am a city planner w/ a bachelors of science. I am working on projects to improve the future of this city…I basically get paid to sit in an office (with two windows – hee hee) and think on grand levels and outside the box…sad. (even more sad if you knew me and you knew how many brain cells I must have killed by now).

So, here is my idea. Instead of paying those tutors so much money, PAY THE FUCKING TEACHERS BETTER!

See what I’m gettin at?

pissed and bored,
GBJ

When I was a junior in high school I had a really terrible rope swing accident. While flying through the sky to a safe landing in the water on the golf course in rainy, dark, and damp Kingwood, Texas, (circa 1992) my knees were tightly pressed against my chest as to miss the tree stump jutting out of the water. Sadly, I did not miss that damn thing. Actually, I hit it dead on…and there was a rogue stick attached to it as well. That stick made a hole in my body about 1/4 an inch away from my hoo-ha hole, and that stick went all the way up me. The only thing that prevented it from finding its way out through my back was my backbone.

From this day on, it’s hard for me to sit in a movie theater chair for too long, humid weather causes pain, and there is a minor unsightly scar that wraps around my upper thigh.

Don’t worry – I can still fuck like a champ (for bf of course, it’s makin looooove).

PS, this story is true and I am bored.

GBJ

So, it seems that there are others out there that are just as religiously jaded as myself. I found an old friend from HS and some of the brain action he has goin on is preeeeetty funny. To honor him, I am going to repost the Jesus dress up website and tell ya a little funny.

www.jesusdressup.com

JOKE: There was a jewish rabbi and a catholic priest talking outside when a little boy walked by them. The priest says, “boy, i sure would like to fuck that little kid.” And the rabbi responds, “outta what?”

Amen.

All – I am going in circles with this blog, so i have decided to instate a guest blogger series. Here is the first of what i hope will be many. While I will never reveal the source of these writings, I will let you know that if you knew this person, you would laugh your fuckin ass off. Cheers and good reading!

GBJ

***Confessions From a Former Party Girl***

“Seriously, what the fuck happened to me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life!!! I have a hot, well-educated, athletic stud of a husband and we made the cutest little love child, which precipitated a gorgeous, romantic, quickie wedding in The Bahamas last year. Life is so good, and I never thought I would enjoy this lifestyle so much. What lifestyle, you ask? That of a suburban mom. Holy shit, yep I said it, I’m a suburban mom.

I know that you cool single people out there feel sorry for us suburban bitches, out there in our SUVs (don’t have one yet, but I do have my eye on a hybrid Tahoe, God help me!), lugging around our strollers/ kids’ soccer gear/ massive amounts of groceries and dealing with baby meltdowns in the produce department, but believe me, some of us never thought we’d ever be in this position. We thought we’d be cool and babyless and carefree forever… But wham! We met lovers in bars, fell in love, got married, got knocked up (maybe not in that exact order) and joined the masses in the burbs.

I was once one of you – footloose and fancy free – and now I’m one of THEM. And you know what? Add a night out here and there, a good massage from time to time, and a decent amount of cocktails (preferably daily) and it’s a damn good lifestyle!! Aside from the unlimited amount of love and cuddles in the house, there’s the ‘parent with child’ parking spots at stores, sweet shopping close by, beautiful houses with lots of space inside and out, and some really badass suburban house parties (thrown by parents with sleeping kids upstairs). It’s pretty cool!!

And shit, I couldn’t have kept up with the single life too much longer anyway! My hearing is screwed from dancing way too much to super loud house music in shady dance clubs, I spent way too much money on booze and recreational activities, I lost years and years of sleep (resulting in some pesky wrinkles), and I think I may have a hole in my nasal cavity from way too much illegal activity at the aforementioned clubs. Not to mention all the hangovers, embarrassing stories of stupid stuff I’ve pulled, a few people I pissed off (oh shoot, that guy was MARRIED?), and all the times that rogue right boob bounced out of my hoochie top (ooops), and so much more I’m still trying to repress. I mean, thank God hubby and baby came along and saved the world from my single madness!

When I was 19, I felt compelled to get a tattoo of a red heart on my tailbone. People asked me what it meant, and I couldn’t really explain it… But now that I met the man of my dreams and we started our family, I know exactly what it means – it was for them. I just didn’t know that this would ever exist for me. It’s truly shocking for a girl that could party Lindsay Lohan under the table, but amazing!

Anyway, the next time you see a mom in the grocery store and think you’ve got her number, keep my story in mind and consider… There might be a badass party girl hiding behind those Bermuda shorts and ballet flats!!! Give her some props.”

Q: How do you know it’s bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Yowzers!

GBJ

Q: What does Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: Little boys pants half off.

Regards,
GBJ

I am heartbroken and deeply saddened to hear that the man who made me dance, made me cry, and most of all, always made me smile, is gone.

what a beautiful talent.

So, the other night we were watching a program on the Science Channel about America’s quality (NOT) infrastructure. It was basically outlining exactly how fucked this country would be if we were to ever experience an extended blackout. The show was focusing on the 2003 blackout of the east coast. I was not aware that that episode was brought upon by ONE electrical wire that touched a tree…in OHIO! It shut down power (and many cities) near the eastern seaboard and up into Canada. The engineers were saying that electricity is our lifeblood, and that the system is in such disrepair, that the citizens of the free world are going to see a mind blowing outage in our future. Shutting down roads, all business as we know it, refrigeration, all forms of communication, transportation, AIR CONDITIONING (it was 102 today in Austin), and list goes on and on. A blackout of this caliber could possibly be the largest tragedy known to mankind. They were saying that it would cost somewhere around 2 TRILLION dollars for the circuit boards to be brought up tp modern standards. So, here is my question, why on earth are we giving our hard earned tax dollars to car companies? I don’t want a fuckin, made in the USA, piece of shit car. I had one…it sucked. Instead, how come we could not invest in our electrical system? It would absolutely create more jobs than the car industry, and would be much more fruitfull. It would save lives. It could could possibly save our country as we know it.

Why shitty cars?