The Pour House – in Austin. Formerly called The Brentwood Tavern (which was horrible and filled with shitty little kids). The new owners are the brain children that also own Mugshots, Barfly’s and The Hideout (north). The bartenders are great (thank you, Garth) and the patio is fabulous! There are Mel’s Fun Bags as well…(shut your mouth…it’s really called that) bean bags that you throw (like horseshoes) onto a wooden board. FUN FUN! Amigo and I went last night. 2 beers and 2 shots of Jameson for $12 smackers! What a steal! Needless to say, I was an hour late to work today, AND I will definitely be returning! Bye Bye Lala’s…I am breaking up with you. There is a new neighborhood bar in town.

Don’t get me wrong, but come on, sistah!

Please tell me you see the problems here!

First of all, let me tell you this once again, I know that I have bragged about it before, and…rightfully so. One of my friends is the executive producer of this little show that is historical in Austin, Austin City Limits. And no, I am not speaking of the idiot festival that comes through every year (and keeps getting worse). Anywhoo, I pretty much have free and open access to all the tickets that I care to have. (they are not for sale, you have know someone to get in). So, bf and I had tickets reserved to see Sonic Youth tape there 10/5. Then, old and frail Lee Renaldo had to go and break his wrist (i think he was jacking off to his new album…which totally sux, by the way). SY ends up canceling their acl tv appearance and are sadly replaced with THEM CROOKED VULTURES. Crooked pretty much breaks it down for you. If you have not seen them, don’t bother. A few months back I was lucky enough to go see My Bloody Valentine, they handed out ear-plugs and rocked so hard people were leaving and throwing up…now that is a show! So anyways, these idiots hand out ear-plugs to the crowd so we automatically assume they are going to R-O-C-K. Wrong! The little pink pussy that was singing sounded like an old southern grandma singin me a lullaby. It was a giant, awful mess. There is no way that that faggot (sorry, craig) had any right to be up on that stage where the likes of Bonnie Raitt, Willie Nelson, Neil Young, and Roky Erikson have once stood! There is simply no way.

(please note his ***styrofoam*** cup, as he claims to be so green.  Kinda think he was trying to hide his beer.  and what the fuck was he thinking when he rolled his sleeves up like that.  if i were that dumb bitch he was with i would kindly suggest he just put on a short sleeve shirt)

And, just when you think that it can’t possibly get any worse, Lance “I have cancer wah wah wah” Armstrong, local celebrity and famous Austin ass-hole and French punching bag has to stand in your line of sight. Him and all his idiot glory. So, in the beginning of the show, the producers come out and ask you to turn off your cell phones and introduce the band and blah blah blah…about one song into the show, this fuckin one-nutted loser pulls his phone out to take a picture when a staff member reaches out and taps him on the shoulder asking him to put his phone away. (he should have punched his cross-eyed face in) The rest of the show (well, we only stayed for three songs) he was texting. What the hell is wrong with this guy and why does he think he is so god damn wonderful?

Apparently, I am not the only one on this planet that thinks this guys needs to fall in a hole, bc after hearing of our experience, a friend of mine sent me this link…the top ten reasons why Lance Armstrong is a douche-bag. I must say…it made me smile.

(Sorry, daddy, for draggin you to that bullshit, and for bein a bitch. I love you.)

Someone’s gonna die,
GBJ

ps – if you read the 10 reasons list, the comment section is filled with a plethora of reasons why he is such a douche-bag!  take note of the posting that points out the fact that he uses the most water of anyone in town to water his lawn (again, not very green).  it’s the truth, it was in the paper.  he also apparently threw a fit to a friend who worked in a bakery bc they ran out of multi grain bagels.  he made a scene.  if i were her i would have rubbed a plain bagel on my twat and told him that lox was the daily special.  what a dick face.

*how the hell did i wake up in time to get here this morning, shower, get dressed (not the best outfit of the century), manage to hide my alcohol breath and not puke? looks like it’s gonna be a good day.

*i am currently eating salt out of the packet. too bad i dont have anything to put it on. im not really hungry, just bored.

*i love reading texts from last night, it’s comforting to know that many people in a productive society like to drink, fuck, and get high just as much as i do.

*speaking of fuck, i’m kind of horny right now. not ravenous, but it may get to that point by the time i get home. watch out daddy. (i am not about to search for an image here at work, that guy that previously occupied the office next to mine got fired for watching the porn while on the clock.  but, he also got is masters, so – he wins)

*i went to get a service at this local shit hole, called EMBELLISH (that’s right, if you deserve it, imma drag your fuckin name through the dirt) and they fucked up big time. the appointment was @ 5pm or something like that. first of all, the salon/spa (whatever and hardly) is in this atrocious strip mall/multi use development thing near campus called “the triangle”. if you are from boca raton, it will look familiar. second of all, it’s always packed with a bunch of fuckin snotty little asshole college bitches and it’s impossible to find a parking spot. so….i get there at like 5:03 and they call me on my cell phone while i am walking through the front door threatening to give my appt away bc the next client is there. are you fucking kidding me i am thinking to myself. you just fucked with the wrong bitch. so, i get into the aesthetician’s chair and asked what the hell was up that lady’s ass at the front desk. she says it’s been a long day and she was upset that i was late. (the aesthetician by the way was very sweet and did quality work – it’s apparent she needs to find a new location) So, a ten minute procedure turned into “I’m never going back to that joint and I am going to spend the rest of my life on this planet letting everyone know what a giant jack off it is.  so, hey Embellish…suck my dick!  (it’s the tall cunt in the brown shirt that mis-treated me so – if you see her in a dark alley, kick her fuckin ass)

*Can you believe that this person is trying to sell this god damn, countrified, old as shit bar stool on craigslist for $125? Yeah, me either. That’s why I emailed her. I suggested that she reconsider her pricing strategy. Just bein helpful, I’m good like that.

*my hangover is starting to kick in. it’s a good thing i have an appointment to see the best doctor on this planet. he believes in vicodin, and i believe in him!

incognito and jedi style,

GBJ

Come on, who’s in? I think it would be a fabulous spin-off website of GBJ. I wonder what the legal ramifications of such a site could be. I mean shit, she could sue me if she wanted. For my beloved pair of Vans slip-ons, or my beautiful kitteh Joey, but other than that, i feel like rippin this little hooker a new asshole!

Here goes:

Miley Cyrus is a whore…

Miley Cyrus is still a whore…

Yep, still…

You guessed it, still a whore…

ps, yes, that is a stripper pole, and, oh yeah…her 20 year old boyfriend is just a friend. whatever.

I have been seeing these kinds of ads around lately, especially since school just resumed and what not.

There are ads out there from parents and institutions alike advertising easy money as a tutor for elementary to college and post college students…some paying up to $100/hr.

Now people, my mom is a teacher. She has her masters degree (which lends $1000 extra dollars a year on top of the general teacher salary…meaning it would take an additional 40+ years of working as a teacher to recoup the cost of grad school) and has been teaching for 15 years, and as sad as it is to say it – I make more money than she does. I am a city planner w/ a bachelors of science. I am working on projects to improve the future of this city…I basically get paid to sit in an office (with two windows – hee hee) and think on grand levels and outside the box…sad. (even more sad if you knew me and you knew how many brain cells I must have killed by now).

So, here is my idea. Instead of paying those tutors so much money, PAY THE FUCKING TEACHERS BETTER!

See what I’m gettin at?

pissed and bored,
GBJ

When I was a junior in high school I had a really terrible rope swing accident. While flying through the sky to a safe landing in the water on the golf course in rainy, dark, and damp Kingwood, Texas, (circa 1992) my knees were tightly pressed against my chest as to miss the tree stump jutting out of the water. Sadly, I did not miss that damn thing. Actually, I hit it dead on…and there was a rogue stick attached to it as well. That stick made a hole in my body about 1/4 an inch away from my hoo-ha hole, and that stick went all the way up me. The only thing that prevented it from finding its way out through my back was my backbone.

From this day on, it’s hard for me to sit in a movie theater chair for too long, humid weather causes pain, and there is a minor unsightly scar that wraps around my upper thigh.

Don’t worry – I can still fuck like a champ (for bf of course, it’s makin looooove).

PS, this story is true and I am bored.

GBJ

So, it seems that there are others out there that are just as religiously jaded as myself. I found an old friend from HS and some of the brain action he has goin on is preeeeetty funny. To honor him, I am going to repost the Jesus dress up website and tell ya a little funny.

www.jesusdressup.com

JOKE: There was a jewish rabbi and a catholic priest talking outside when a little boy walked by them. The priest says, “boy, i sure would like to fuck that little kid.” And the rabbi responds, “outta what?”

Amen.

All – I am going in circles with this blog, so i have decided to instate a guest blogger series. Here is the first of what i hope will be many. While I will never reveal the source of these writings, I will let you know that if you knew this person, you would laugh your fuckin ass off. Cheers and good reading!

GBJ

***Confessions From a Former Party Girl***

“Seriously, what the fuck happened to me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life!!! I have a hot, well-educated, athletic stud of a husband and we made the cutest little love child, which precipitated a gorgeous, romantic, quickie wedding in The Bahamas last year. Life is so good, and I never thought I would enjoy this lifestyle so much. What lifestyle, you ask? That of a suburban mom. Holy shit, yep I said it, I’m a suburban mom.

I know that you cool single people out there feel sorry for us suburban bitches, out there in our SUVs (don’t have one yet, but I do have my eye on a hybrid Tahoe, God help me!), lugging around our strollers/ kids’ soccer gear/ massive amounts of groceries and dealing with baby meltdowns in the produce department, but believe me, some of us never thought we’d ever be in this position. We thought we’d be cool and babyless and carefree forever… But wham! We met lovers in bars, fell in love, got married, got knocked up (maybe not in that exact order) and joined the masses in the burbs.

I was once one of you – footloose and fancy free – and now I’m one of THEM. And you know what? Add a night out here and there, a good massage from time to time, and a decent amount of cocktails (preferably daily) and it’s a damn good lifestyle!! Aside from the unlimited amount of love and cuddles in the house, there’s the ‘parent with child’ parking spots at stores, sweet shopping close by, beautiful houses with lots of space inside and out, and some really badass suburban house parties (thrown by parents with sleeping kids upstairs). It’s pretty cool!!

And shit, I couldn’t have kept up with the single life too much longer anyway! My hearing is screwed from dancing way too much to super loud house music in shady dance clubs, I spent way too much money on booze and recreational activities, I lost years and years of sleep (resulting in some pesky wrinkles), and I think I may have a hole in my nasal cavity from way too much illegal activity at the aforementioned clubs. Not to mention all the hangovers, embarrassing stories of stupid stuff I’ve pulled, a few people I pissed off (oh shoot, that guy was MARRIED?), and all the times that rogue right boob bounced out of my hoochie top (ooops), and so much more I’m still trying to repress. I mean, thank God hubby and baby came along and saved the world from my single madness!

When I was 19, I felt compelled to get a tattoo of a red heart on my tailbone. People asked me what it meant, and I couldn’t really explain it… But now that I met the man of my dreams and we started our family, I know exactly what it means – it was for them. I just didn’t know that this would ever exist for me. It’s truly shocking for a girl that could party Lindsay Lohan under the table, but amazing!

Anyway, the next time you see a mom in the grocery store and think you’ve got her number, keep my story in mind and consider… There might be a badass party girl hiding behind those Bermuda shorts and ballet flats!!! Give her some props.”

Q: How do you know it’s bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Yowzers!

GBJ